are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Randomize
