Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
