Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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