I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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