mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
it was like eating out sand paper
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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