Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize