dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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