he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
COCAINE IS GR8
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize