Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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