Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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