If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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