After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
My vagina is very pro this idea
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
