meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
