I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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