No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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