Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
