There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Randomize
