I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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