I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize