I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Randomize
