A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
they're like a gay fantastic four
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
