Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
