her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
