Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
this just has baby written all over it
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
