Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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