Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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