I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
