i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Randomize
