dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
