I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
