3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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