if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
