I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
