Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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