How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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