i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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