I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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