We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
