Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
