Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
40s are totally the cure
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
