im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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