Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
