I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Randomize
