What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
