i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
