My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
