i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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