So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
