he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
