I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
