Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
