my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Randomize
