I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
