So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
