If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
