Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
