I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
