So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
