went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize