I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
